life goes on.

just taking it step by step,,

November 13th, 2017
Woah! I totally and accidentally predicted my future. I do only post an entry once a year mwahaha!! So, not much has happened since I last posted. I've switched departments again. Now I'm doing account creation and I get errors all the fucking time. Oh well lol. I'm single af and I'm not in the dating scene. I'm constantly fucking horny. Maybe I'm sexually frustrated. I'm still a virgin for Pete's sake!! But, I'll never tell. It's embarrassing. I've been single my entire life. I'm now too scared to be intimate with anyone (although that's what I crave for). I'm at the point in my life where I mentally can't see myself with anyone because I've never been with anyone. Now, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me because it's pretty much my own fault. I've been insecure about myself for most of my life. My size being the biggest factor. I act like I love myself and I love my body but that's a damn motherfucking lie. I hate looking at full shots of my body. I fucking hate it. I try to tell myself that I'm beautiful but that only works for 30 seconds and then I'm feeling ugly again. Again, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me because it's no one's else's fault but my own. I'll keep working on that until however long it takes. Until then, I've 90% accepted the fact that I will die alone. I'm going to have to move out eventually. They're going to have to figure out how to survive on their own. I have to live on my own and figure the world out. What is my plan? What was I put here for? What am I destined to do? Sure the hell to not find love and have kids ha! I have to learn how to live my life alone but to also enjoy the simple things in life. That's all I'm looking forward to. But, I honestly think it'll be ok.

Today's date is June 14th, 2016 and I'm still not in Japan. WTF is wrong with me? I scare myself out of everything. It's a really bad habit that I'm a professional at. I'm so good at it, I don't even know myself. I'm still living the single life and work at the same dead beat ass job. But, hey, at least I recently moved departments. This dept takes less phone calls but the same amount of stress lol. FUCK MY LIFE. Oh well... I put myself in this position. No one else. So, I have no one to blame but me. I feel pathetic just writing that but it's the truth! I want to move out, I want to become independent. I want to support myself. But, that shit ain't happening any time soon. I've been writing in this livejournal since I was a teenager, now I'm going on 26. And, I'm still a loner. I'm 99.98% sure that was what I was destined to be. Now, I don't want to sit here and feel sorry for myself. It's just that, whenever I start writing my thoughts, I become more depressed. Maybe that's why I only write my thoughts out once a year... I pray, pray, pray that it'll get better. I know it will. I just have to be patient. Even if I have to wait 10 more years. PATIENCE! In the famous words of the The Supremes, "you can't hurry love, you just have to wait. They say love don't come easy. It's a game of give and take." Adios for now (or until next year lol)

I need to live my life
Today’s date is March 14, 2015. I have been working a full time job since the middle of October. It’s at a fucking call center and I hate it. I already knew I hate people and working at my job constantly reminds me why. But, daijoubu desu ne? I need to get out of Rockford. I need to leave home. I need to become independent. I have officially set up my mind that I will be in Japan hopefully one year from now. I want to teach abroad. Even though I SUCK at grammar, I need to be in Japan. I need to live my life while I’m still young (and single lol). I need to be closer to BTS. HAhahaa, yep I said it, BTS. I’m obsessed with this group now. I’ll forever love Arashi but, I’m sort of sprung with BTS. I’m super in love with VV. How can I meet someone like him? How can I marry someone like him? He’s so adorable on a whole ‘nother level!! I fucking cried last week thinking how I wish I can be with someone just like him. I EFFIN CRIED. That’s how pathetic my life is. The single life. Where you cry thinking that you’ll be single for life. That makes me tear up just typing that lol. I’ll survive tho. I promise.

YOSH! Now, I just got to find the motivation to type this paper on why I want to teach in Japan. Submit a crap load of applications and SAVE UP MONEY!!! Something that’s very hard for me to do… But, I really need to save up money for that plane ticket. I will never forget how disappointed Meada sensei was when I told him I was going back home after I graduated. He really wanted me to go to Japan. I failed him. Sometimes, I overthink things. I would think to myself, is this really the right thing to do? Do I really want to live in Japan? Will I meet people? Will I have fun? Will I enjoy myself? What if I get lost? What if something bad happens? Will I still be equally a loner as I am here? :,,,(((  AHHHHHH I just can’t let my anxiety get to me. But, I constantly am. I just wish God will give me a sign for what should I do with my life. I’m 24 going on 25 and I just want to be happy. In the words of Natasha Beddingfield, “I’d rather jump and fall then never jumped at all.”

Bye for now.

Hi Journal!! Boy, have I missed you!! I haven't wrote in you since my junior year in college!! Now, I'm all graduated and stuff! Boy, looking back at my past journal entries are very interesting. I was such a loner and guess what?!?! I'm still a loner, no surprise!! Nah, but forreal, I'm happy that I finally graduated. The whole college experience was one hell of a journey. I met awesome people, made awesome friends, and had access to super fast internet lol (which I miss ever so dearly). I moved back home and I'm now in the process of looking for a big girl job.

I'm happy that I left though. I don't feel sad anymore. I was miserable. I was lonely as fuck. Everyone around me had someone that they loved and I felt that I was all by myself. I was so jealous of my friends. I fucking hated every second of it. Just the thought of them having hella fun next door to me with their significant other made me depressed as hell.

But, I had to fake that everything was fine. I became secluded, I stayed in my room constantly after class and work.I was fucking jealous of everyone that was happy. I even came to a point when I questioned if God really exist. To make this clear, I do believe that there is a God! He just works in mysterious ways. Back to what I was saying, every since I was 16 years old, I prayed and begged for God to send me someone. I'm now 23 years old and I still haven't been in a relationship. I fantasize about how it would be like to be in a loving relationship all the time. Oh, how I long to hear someone tell me that I'm an angel sent from above. I know that sounds cheesy as fuck but, I really do want someone to say that I'm that important to them.

Now, I sit at home all the time waking up in the afternoon wishing that I can hang out with my imaginary friends. I wish I had a life. Daijoubu desu ne?! Right now, I can't worry about that. I have to worry about getting a job because I'm sure the hell not living at home for more than a year and student loans are no joke lol. I just really hope that God will one day answer my prayer.

Adios for now journal~~~

p.s.~~> I'm currently addicted to EXO. I wonder how long this will last lol~~~

What it do?
Hey hey hey!! I miss writing in you a little. But, I am a Tumblr addict and you can usually find me there reblogging shit around the clock. A quick update - I'm still in love with my Arashi times 100, I have little over a year left of college and then graduation, I love my room (except for when it's being a little bitch and the lights cut out...), I kicked ass last semester and got all A's and B's, I'm still a loner, and I feel very awkward right now because I'm writing this post at work. l o l^^ Anyways, my schedule sucks this semester and I still haven't wrote my paper for the scholarship. I feel very effin lazy and just want to sleep and eat chicken and rice all day. I constantly feel as though I have nothing to do when in reality I have a shit load to do. I want this year to be the year that I find love but, I know that won't happen. I feel bless to have a job and a room to myself but, I constantly keep looking at the negatives in my life. I'm trying hard to stop worrying about shit and just be HAPPY. Oh how I just want to be happy. That's why I am coming up with this New Year's resolution list.
1. Stop eating candy!
2. Cut 65% of junk food out of my diet
3. Save up $1000
4. Learn 日本語
5. Stop being extremely negative
6. Go to the trac and actually exercise
7. Stop wasting money on stuff that I don't need
8. Stop swearing a lot
9. Gain more confidence
10. Meet new people
11. Stop worrying about everything
12. Be happy!

What up??!!?!
I haven't posted anything in over 5 months, so I decided to start again!!! Yayyyy!! I'm really liking this new entry thing too. So much easier to post pictures and gifs ne? I just started the spring semester. Very boring so far. Not much better that fall semester. I'm bored out of my mind. I have a shit load of homework that I just can't seem to do. I have a hard ass exam for stats tomorrow. Not looking forward to that. No one wants to hire me :( Life is pretty much sucking balls so far,, well at least for me... I'm so tired of school, it's fucking ridiculous. Why am I here? What is my purpose in life? I have all these questions yet no one to answer them. I'm a loner. Not that I want to be that but I think I'm just destined to be one. I've always been one since middle school. I remember lunch being one of the worst times of the day. Having no one to sit with sucks! Now that I'm in college, I can just take my lunch and go eat by myself in the library. Pretty legit ne? Hahaa,, sorry to vent. I have no one else to vent to because I know my older sister is sick of hearing it. No one understands me. Ah, whatever. I guess I'll just have to learn how to live the rest of my life alone. No, I don't want to be alone, I pretty sure no one does. But, that's just the way the cookie crumbles for me. I'll have to live with it. At least I have Arashi to fantasize about. People I'll know that I'll never meet since they're some 2,000 miles away. In the meanwhile, I'll sit here rooting on my boys Arashi!!! がんばってさん!I'm rooting for you here in America (=    Enjoy my awesome gif I made of Sho and Nino aka Sakumiya!!

Sakumiya approved!

I officially hate giving titles to these journal entries lmfao!!! But, naw really, I haven't wrote in this for like 7 months and I was starting to miss it hahaa.. I just downloaded Arashi's new album last night and I AM IN FUCKING LOVE WITH IT!!!! LOVE!! They make me super happy ^___^ But yea I've been working on and off for the last past month and getting very shitty hours like today, I worked for 4 fucking hours.. Really?!?! My job can kiss my ass but, I really need the money. And I need a new job. Lately (like the last past 6 months) I have been really into nail polish like crazy. I blew $100 worth of nail polish in June/May alone... Not proud of that, but shit I'm bored as hell here at home. And I miss my school's fast internet :( Watching Arashi clip's have been like torture since I've been home!!! But, at the same time, I don't want to go back to school because I'll be back at my loner ways.... AHH what do I do??!? I'm not expecting for anything exciting to happen for the rest of the time I'm at home. But, secretly, in my heart, I'm really hoping for something or someone to sweep me off my feet in some sort of good way. Well that's it for me for now. I'll try to update you before I go back to school. <3

so what if this is a non-arashi post..
So yea, usually when I write an entry here, I somehow throw Arashi in the mix, but today I wanna talk about something else - my feelings. I have been happy and sad for the last 10 days all because of one boy. Ew, I know, pathetic right?? But no, really it's all because I have been receiving mixed messages from this boy. Like one minute it seems that he likes me  but then the next minute, nope, it was just my imagination, running away with me,, Yes, it saddens me greatly and I'm finding it very difficult to just move the fuck on with my life. But, how do I move on when I'm so desperate for someone to love me. Hold hands with me. Tell me that I'm beautiful. Kiss me. When I never got to experience these feelings not even once in my life. I'm going on 21 years old and I never even held hands with a boy that actually likes me. I don't know why that is. Maybe my low self-esteem, or super low self confidence that is actually at its highest point at the current moment. I'll finish this rant tmrw. I'm feeling sleepy lol

i'm lonely
So yea, it just hit me that the fact that I'm soo addicted to all things ARASHI is because I don't have any friends. I think if did, my love for ARASHI won't be as strong as it is today. My sisters think I have a problem because I'm always talking about them or watching their videos or singing along to their music(even though their asses like ARASHI too!! lmfao). Break for me will be officially over in a week, which is quite depressing =(  I hate spending the whole damn day in my dorm room all by myself. I found out that I won't have roommates for next year, so really, why the hell do I still wanna come back to this school?!? It's like seriously dumb as hell. I am one big fucking loner. which I have always been ever since middle school. But, I just want to know why the hell does my lonerness follow me around!! I do find it hard making close friends. I mean I can talk to people and stuff and I'll call them "friends" but really their just associates. I don't have anyone there I can tell anything to. I fucking hate it. I got so desperate a few months back, that I even prayed to make friends. No one has yet since answered my prayers. I just want at least one friend that wants to hang with me and talk to me and be around me, at least fucking one this year!!!!!!!!! Hmm, I don't know if that'll come true or not but, what I do know is that I will only expect the worst, for here and now on. Thankyou ARASHI for coming into my life because without you guys, I seriously think my life would be 500x worst. Arigatou gozaimasu (=

Eww, so yea, I'm so fucking sick of college life right about...NOW. I'm just so over it. It's not what it's wrapped up to be,, well at least not for me. The only thing that's keeping me going is Arashi. I know that sounds pretty pathetic but when I'm watching anything Arashi related, it brightens my day. In a few hours I have a fucking 5 page paper due and I can't even stay motivated enough to git r' done!! It's the day before Thanksgiving break and I still gotta pack up, write this paper, clean my room, wash my clothes, and get ready to get da hell up outta of here. Home sweet home has never sounded any better than it does right now. I'm am officially stressed to the maximum Well gotta bounce and get my shit together (=


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